Another year older...wiser...less fearful?

In diabetes years, today I turn twelve. Not quite a teenager, but still with plenty of experience. And each year the experience added is often not quite what you expect.

My last blog post stirred up some emotion from a lot of people, and continues to stir up emotion in me. I have since written to the Victorian Minister for Health and the Federal Minister for Health and Ageing, with copies also distributed to Senator Barnett, a fellow type 1 in the Big House. I still have more work to do with the letter writing and discussions. One thing you can assist with is to sign this petition to help bring OmniPod into Australia.

I don't know how I feel about this role, only that I am passionate about it. But I am passionate about a lot of things, and to add more and more to the plate worries me a bit. Getting HypoActive through our most successful summer ever was such an amazing achievement for me. We impacted more people with type 1 diabetes than ever before, and we did it in a fantastic way. It was only August last year that I rocked up to a committee meeting and was the only one there. Rebounding from this, locking in our sponsors, establishing new partners and staying true to the vision while still growing the cause was a tough ask. To be able to pull off the summer so well is a massive feat. The organisation continues to grow in ways that we didn't necessarily forsee (for eg, the interest we have had from people wanting to wear our team clothing), so in lieu of all this I decided to organise a planning day for our future, which is scheduled for April 26. Let me know if you want to help out.

Back to this weekend: we had originally pencilled in to spend mountain biking in far east Gippsland. A late change of plans were brought about after we decided it would be far more appropriate to get ourselves organised for our upcoming trip. One aspect of this preparation is to race the road, and to race it hard.

Unfortunately this just didn't pan out for me today. I got in the grade I wanted, but didn't repay the priviledge. I felt awful during the first lap, and on a surge leading into lap two I simply faded. It was of some small comfort to see more riders other than me littering the road in the washup of excitable bunches, and I let my head digest the situation by rolling the remainder of the 30km loop solo. Save for the guy that rode up to me and asked, 'do I have a flat?' Why, yes you do. He continued riding as he wanted to regain tough with the bunch he had been dropped from, and he felt that the flat had stabilised. I saw him later on the side of the road, pump in hand. Some things you just can't put off.

So today feels as if it was a bit of a waste. And I don't have many days left to be wasting. Luckily, this time of year allows for two races per weekend, so we get another chance tomorrow.

Why am I doing all this? Because of the plan. The plan to race again in the US.

The big date for departure will be May 15.

The plan is for us to spend a few weeks in the US racing, answering a few questions, and revisiting some nightmares in the hope I can replace them with some better memories. Then, for the first time in six trips to the US over the past three years, we will have a bit of a sight seeing tour. I know I have seen the US from one side of the other and at all hours, so this version will be much more relaxing than doing it non-stop in a mad cycle-relay race.

Will I be ready to race again and at that level? I honestly don't know. My preparation this year has had to be so different. I have been unable to push myself early on in the traditional base fitness building phase, and today I still struggle with overloading. The big problem I face is centred on the more I ride, the worse it is for my shoulder. I need to overcompensate for this by doing repetitive strength exercises to try to maintain (or improve) the shoulder location. My shoulder remains unstable and will drop if I do not work hard at this. The impacts of this include pain in all areas. If I can minimise pain, obviously life will be much easier to deal with. But these exercises take up a huge amount of time, which is already tough to ration out with work, training and maintainence of life!

I have also not backed off my work arrangements - in the past years I have reduced the load down to at least four days a week in the lead up to departure. This time around, the situation is much different. As the trip will be self-funded, taking time off work is simply not possible. It is now dark a lot earlier and a lot later in the morning. There are big mental challenges with arriving home in the dark, only to gear up and head out again for intensity sessions. But, on a positive note, I have yet to catch a cab to work this year.

I have had to regain so much on the bike which was lost with almost six months off real training last year. I lot a lot of strength, fitness, race finesse, and put on way too much weight with the depression and the unknowing of when I would be able to use my shoulder again. While things are improving on all accounts, it is a slow moving process. Although I would like to be flying by the end of May, we may not see anything like that until the end of the year. Thats okay though. There are bigger things to face.

In today's race a couple of guys pulled a dumb move and resulted in a rider going down. He was ahead of me by a few bikes, and I didn't see what actually caused it. All I saw were brakeing riders and general panic, and then a rider flying off to the right hand side of the road, sliding along and separated from his bike.

It didn't occur to me just how scary this concept is. I know any crash in the pack is scary, but the fear I have within continues to simmer away. Getting through today's relatively minor crash was a big thing for me. This has dimmed down some of the fears within, but many more remain. I hope to face this up front and personal when I race at Tulsa, Oklahoma from June 4-6. In particular, the Brady Street Crit. Race two. The course doesn't suit my strengths, but I know it well. I think of it often. And I will be doing my best to overcome my fears and make it through the start/finish area in one piece and finish the race. I don't want to live with hitting the brakes at the first sign of a crash. I need to overcome this fear. That is why we are headed back.

This year, my thirteenth with type 1 diabetes, I will add the experience of overcoming. I will also have the experience of my husband baking me a chocolate cake tonight to help celebrate this achievement. It ain't all bad.