My physio asked me this morning, 'What are you cycling plans? What are the goals for 2009 and 2010?'
I welled up and barely mumbled, 'Nothing. I don't have any hope'.
Mum sums it up well. When people ask her how I am going, she replies, 'Shit'.
I could go on and explain the stupid dramas and setbacks and constant pain.
The need for more surgery according to my surgeon, and the need to treat the frozen shoulder according to four separate health professionals.
The inability to treat both at the same time.
The hydrodilatation treatment (injection of fluid: cortisone and saline into the shoulder joint to relieve the inflamation caused by frozen shoulder), and the increase (not decrease) in pain and inflamation that has resulted.
The 'this is a 12 month injury' crap.
The 'no cycling for now' advice.
The 'no running because my shoulder hurts' reality.
Forget about swimming, which was recommended for my back recovery.
And walking for fitness, frankly, sucks.
Then there is the stay at home all day because I can't return to work, even though the ads on tv say, 'Return to work. Return to Life.' In fact most of the red-tape for returning to work has been torn through by the other areas of the Department. It has only been my bosses, the people who actually know me, who are still keeping me at home and helping me feel so great.
And then there is the insulin resistance that is sky rocketing and creating an even greater perception of failure.
But no one likes a whinger. I don't even like myself.
I just hate everything.
5 comments:
Ah Monique. Thinking of you and sending you a big dose of strength to make it through these challenging times. I hope you're able to make the most out of the down time you have and are still smiling. You WILL make it through this! And be all that much stronger for it. Much love,
Jen
You have my sympathy. Of course, I have no idea what your back and shoulder injuries are feeling like, but I have gone through frozen shoulder on both shoulders, and I have recovered. I was advised against getting either or cortizone or saline injected into the joints. I was told that in the end, even if I was given the injections, it was the physical therapy, the slow, painful stretching that would eventually get me back to normal. Maybe that's how it will work out for you.
I'm sure that to someone used to biking hundreds of miles, walking a few miles doesn't sound exciting, but something is better than nothing.
If you can be walking in the right places, it can be both physically challenging and emotionally rewarding.
If you were here in Arizona, I'd tell you to hike the Grand Canyon.
I'm sure that there are places you can go that are comparably beautiful and rugged. I think you'd like to do something that let you feel less like a patient and more like a person for a while.
Best wishes. Remember your fans are out here thinking about you.
(((Monique)))
I don't know what it is to live with that level of physical pain, chronically, but I do know what it is to be psychologically paralyzed by fear of injury, fear of discomfort, and getting "stale" at one's craft.
I wish I had some good options for you -- even coaching would seem to require physical motion beyond what is comfortable (least uncomfortable?) for you right now. Is there some low-level activity that you can do (Pilates, yoga?) that might strengthen and help the healing process?
Regarding the frozen shoulder, IIRC that's a rather common complication of diabetes -- and I'm sure the insulin resistance isn't helping any. If the IR gets too bad and dietary changes are insufficient, you might ask your doctors about Symlin (not that you need to lose any weight!) or about some of the T2 meds that address insulin sensitivity (though as with all pharmaceuticals, there's some risk involved).
I can certainly understand the frustration. I hope that this can be resolved and we can see you back on the bike soon...
Hey, found you on Twitter. Does not sound good. Feel for you. I wont say chin up. But hey, hope it all works out soon. I was @ DISC on Tues too but didn't see you. Prob catch up @ HSV over summer eh ?
Fraser
Monique--I feel soooo bad for you. Keep hanging in there. I wish you were not in so much pain and I can relate to how hard it is not riding or exercising (but your situation is much worse than mine). I am so sorry but I know from reading everything else you have said that you will make it. Somehow you will! I know it!
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